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20.10.2022
Jake wrote this on his Facebook page the day after World Mental Health Day 2022, he has given permission for us to share. We are grateful and know it takes courage to write it down, however it's important and challenges the stigma around mental health. Thank you Jake.
One could quibble "Jake, it's 2.30 am" but I will not sleep until at least 4 am if I am lucky and my "Demon Brain" (as I have lovingly named my lifetime companion) will be sure that said sleep is brutally short and interrupted with unwelcome memories, traumas and paranoias.
I would have posted something earlier but my inbuilt sense of irony and my dear friend Demon Brain have developed something that resembles a sense of humor and saw fit to make today one of those lovely days where the panic attack doesn't really stop. So I just hide it all day and hope I won't be sick on anybody, collapse or explode, cry or scream.
Today was a day with my hood up and my eyes to the floor, my confidence in my pocket and a voice in my head saying that everyone I have ever met hates me, that I will never get to be the person I could have been because I was not strong enough to heal. Or to forget the things I had no say in when I was young and because I can not see the path to heal as an adult and function like a "normal" person.
It's on these days that every mistake I have ever made shines the brightest in my head and every achievement I have ever laid claim to seems either poultry or selfish.
I am not selling anything, there is no gig to promote here, no new song or video, podcast or Patreon, this is in no way cathartic or freeing for me. I am posting this for one reason and one reason only - if anyone feels the same way they are not alone
There is no such thing as normal and there is no shame in being scared or vulnerable, we are not born this way and these feelings do not last forever. Your friends and family love you, the world is not staring at you whispering under its breath that you don't belong.
You can feel better and it's OK if some days you just embrace feeling down. You can't be strong without resting. Please be kind to yourself when you can, please reach out and talk to someone when you are able and if you can pay it forward and be a shoulder for someone else even better, empathy beats sympathy every time.
Attached are 2 photos: -
1. Me as I write this. Tired, broken, agoraphobic and scared of everything. Bouncing between therapy referrals and turning down medication I do not want or need. Unable to sleep despite a week of panic attacks, nightmares and trying to just function
2. Me performing. I am confident, alive and in love with everybody in the room (I remember the show well), there is no anxiety, no fear, guilt or anger. I feel like I belong and that I fit. Nothing can touch me here! I am invincible, I am happy and I am safe!
I am both of these people every day! Our struggles with mental health do not define us, they are just one part of us. There is always another picture of you willing to believe in yourself.
To quote two of the universe’s greatest philosophers - "Be excellent to each other"
Jake Martin
